Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The best shot in the history of golf
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
This is my bus stop.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam