Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
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It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !