So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
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How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”