My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
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if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?