Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
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When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
This is not me but this is me
watergate? u mean a dam??
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches