It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
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– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game