You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
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ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.