I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
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I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
Waiting for the Charmin
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me