Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
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[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:
“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.