Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
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I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.