Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
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My only stock options are chicken and beef.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.