I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Guantanamo Bae
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”