The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
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I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest