All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
You Might Also Like
My teenage children choosing violence
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
#Caturday
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works