Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
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My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.