who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.