Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
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Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.