Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? đŚ
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
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I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
A 12 step program but itâs just me getting off the couch.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Sometimes when the hubs isnât motivated to do yard work Iâll lie and say guests are arriving soonâŚmy manâs hidin behind a mower in no time
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Our dishwasher doesnât know what hit it.
Drive thru window one: âCan I have a name for your order?â
Me: âFree.â
Drive thru window two: âI have an order for Free.â
Me: âThanks!â
*drives away quickly*
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was âtakenâ by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, âWell yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.â
And thatâs the most Australian thing Iâve ever heard.
run away with me except weâre driving so weâll mostly sit
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he canât find it for some reason..
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
âT.G.I.F!â – not Jesus, probably.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Yearâs is truly No Manâs Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww arenât you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesnât know how old I am.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Thinking about writing an online essay titled âFog doesnât have a specific smellâ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
It really doesnât feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing âOh Holy Nightâ to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.