Stop sending me this shit.
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I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
Britain be like
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?