Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”