Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
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I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
the best thing i’ve ever made
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
This makes total sense…
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero