Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
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me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!