Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*