where’s Godzilla when we need him
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
why does this building look like a guilty dog
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
This trial is so absurd 😭
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.