Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.