pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
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Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
don’t be scared