Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
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“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
*lint rolls you awake*
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Bro what is this
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party