best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
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Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.