went fishing caught a bass
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I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die