the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Bring back the McRib
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Animal poetry
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.