Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
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when nothing goes right… go left
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Facebook memories be like
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
And now we wait
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake