You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
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Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it鈥檚 easier.
*gets text from Mom* It鈥檚 your mother. Call me.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
no one:
my 5yo: you can鈥檛 be mad without eyebrows
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn鈥檛
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 馃檮馃檮馃槀
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Would you wear it?
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it鈥檚 been watching me for hours.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you鈥檙e supposed to park between them.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I鈥檓 so glad my daughter is a square.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.