Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
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“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Why would my wife ask if I was wearing this shirt when it’s already on? Stop talking in secret code.