A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*