My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
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Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along