Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
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Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Sheep