I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
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Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Haha good job!!
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.