Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
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“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*