Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19