[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
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In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.