prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
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You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?