*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
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“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.