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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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I’d use my best pan on you.
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.