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when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon