[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
listen closely
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
new wife guy just dropped
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?