a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
You Might Also Like
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident