A friend helps you before you need it
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titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.