never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I am, perchance
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Brands during Pride
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks