I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
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MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can鈥檛 read.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
office jobs are so funny because you鈥檒l be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it鈥檚 how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I鈥檓 gonna take like 27 of those things?
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
馃幎 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 馃幎
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.