You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
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when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
According to math, I’m broke
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.